"Now here’s what happened, th’whole story’a that damn’t hell-house and what we done t’undo all th’mess it done. Y’see, what it was was an evil wizard—an’ that’s how most terrible tales start don’t I know it. See, this here wizard, he went and ate up a whole lotta’—whatcha’ call ‘em— fairy-tale monsters a’some sort’er another. A snake lady s’one . . . I remember that ‘un fer th’teats on ‘er! HA! So he went and eat up alla’ th’monsters t’make himself more or less immortal, but y’see it went south when his lady wife got herself in’a twist over th’lord husband eatin’ up all’a them monsters and becomin’ undead an’ what-not. So she shattered his whatcha’-call-it box, what had his soul in there or some such, an’ all hell broke loose.
Long story short, th’evil wizard instead’a gettin’ himself some sorta’ immortal zombie body got himself trapped in th’house. So, y’see, it weren’t precisely a haunted house s’much as a evil lich-house. Anywho, he spent his years carryin’ on all sorts a murder’n mayhem in there, what ‘til we come along. See, we was investigatin’ a buncha’ ghoul attacks perpetrated by th’latest in’a long line’a seriously messed up Foxgloves. Me an’ Wil an’ Greel an’ Aggie an’ Hyacyinth . . . well, Askirgie . . . well, at th’time it was Hyacynth—hell, I can’t keep it straight no more’n she can sort her lady parts from her man parts! HA!
Anywho, we busted in there right bold, I saved m’baby even though it wasn’t m’baby, and there was some fireballs and creepy music and what-not. A scarf tried t’off Hyacynth, that was a high-light. So we was investigatin’ when all’a sudden, outta’ nowhere’s, Wil takes up a dagger and give himself th’ol’Freemountain smile! Terrible it was! Blood everywhere’s! An’ the healin’ magic ain’t workin’, an’ he ain’t breathin’, an’ sure as anything he’s dead but just as fast up he sits an’ all’s well.
Or so we thought. Y’see, all won’t well. Sure but we high-tailed outta’ there t’regroup back at Sandpoint. But over th’course’a th’next few days one thing was clear: whatever Wil was, Wil won’t Wil: somethin’ wicked n’wrong was goin’ on in’im. We figured th’only way what t’set it right was t’bust back in that hell-house and settle th’score. In we went, an’ when we did all manner’a bad broke loose.
Seems up on in’th’attic Foxglove’s dead wife was hangin’ around in an awful temper, n’Greel saw fit t’unleash her on th’world, hopin’ she’s bolt fer her hubby. Sure she did, an’ led us down t’th’bowels a’th’whole operation—all but Wil who won’t havin’ none’a th’chase (proof enough it won’t Wil fer me, that boy he’d chase his tail if’n he’d sprout one). Anywho, we run down t’th’basement an’ there was ol’Foxglove turn’t into some kinda’ ghast ‘er ghoul, ’er ghoul-ghast, ’er what have ya’. An’ then th’throes a’battle was on us! Like’a war ragin’ down there in them tunnels: Hyacynth had ‘er face bit off, which won’t too bad since Foxy had himself a mask made outta’ her face-parts already (which, if yer askin’ me, is how he incriminated her in all’a them murders, sure enough). Things was grim, an’ I was all paralyzed with dark magics, but Greel he stepped up an’ saved m’life he did! Saved th’day, truly! A hero, that ’un!
Once th’battle royale was spent, Wil come traipsin’ down stairs, an’ one thing leads to another, turns out th’rotten old bones a’th’original evil wizard was down in th’basement, along with his soul-box-or-whatever with the crack in it from when th’missus threw a fit. Now, Greel’s all investigatin’ while I’m meantime pickin’ over th’bodies, when outta’ no-wheres Wil grabs Greel an’ electrifies him with some sorta’ super-magic!
Now our boy Wil, he ain’t much fer magic. Truth be told I think it might give ‘im a nosebleed even t’try it. So now we know fer sure it ain’t Wil, an’ Greel—too clever by half—reckons its th’evil wizard himself what was possessin’ th’house has possessed Wil instead! Now, I don’t know much about evil liches. I’ll tell ya’ that true. But Greel seemed t’think burnin’ th’bones and smashin’ the little box would do it. So he set t’burnin’ while I had t’face down Wil. Now, he come at me all steel an’ lightenin’ lookin’ t’murder me straight—but I couldn’t dish him th’same courtesy: see, I won’t about t’maim m’boy Wil—th’lad was innocent a’what his meat-suit was doin’ while th’dark wizard was in’t, y’see. But he kept comin’, an’ Greel was desperate t’smash th’little box what Wil had pilfered, so me I had m’self an idea. Y’see, th’priest’a Sarenrae he’d sold’t me a potion what he said would protect ya’ against evil such-an-suches. So me I took up that potion, lunged m’self through th’hellstorm’a steel and lightenin’ what was Wil, and crammed that potion down th’lad’s gullet!
Down he fell, smash went th’box, an’ up in flames went th’bones, an’sure as Deadeye’s shootin’ th’deed was done! Seems th’house was on toppa’ some sort’a Urgythoan graveyard or some such thing. So we done away with them altars, t’boot, an’just like that th’Misgivin’s was purged a’evil an’ we was able to bring Wil back from th’dead right proper. Hyacynth, too, but she come back as a devil monster instead. Can’t say’m surprised. Oh, an’ Aggie’s moltin’ after! Fit t’ride, soon, I warrant. Lich-killin’ puts th’vinegar in ya’. An’ that’s th’true story a’how The Retainers saved th’day. Again." -M.Fmt.